Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Stripping Chimp

Part of the reason I started this blog is that I swear, some of these stories write themselves. With my, er... unique... family, I am sometimes just the messenger.

So, I love my mom. She is a truly unique (there's that word again!) individual, and I could probably write an entire blog just full of funny stories about Bunny. Which isn't her real name, but her childhood nickname, discovered by my brother when he was about 14. From then on, Mom became Bunny, or "The Bun." When Monkey was born it seemed only fitting that instead of just being Gramma, my mom should be called Bunny.

Anyway... Bunny loves, Loves, LOVES these kids. She is a typical grandmother in that respect, always sending packages to the girls for every holiday with something fun or different. They absolutely lose their ever-loving minds when they see a package from Bunny and Papi has arrived.

Part of this tradition, and the girls' mind-losing-ness, is that her gifts tend to be things no one else would think to send. She is the person who discovered Monkey's bizarre obsession with funky socks, and has nurtured that with a steady influx of new inventory. (We have on video the opening of last year's Valentine's Day box, where Monkey just keeps repeating-- and in the EXACT tone of voice as John Travolta in his Sweathog days-- "I got SOCKS!!" Pure freaking GOLD, I tell you!)

So we just had Valentine's Day, and with it, a box from Bunny and Papi. Monkey's older sister can now recognize the handwriting so she knew the source. Due to some questionable behavior from both offspring, the Bunny and Papi Box sat high out of reach on the dining room hutch until the 14th rolled around.

It was a a Tuesday this year, which meant Big Sis was at her mother's. Thus, Monkey got to open her part of the Bunny and Papi Box solo. Inside was a card and a dancing sock monkey, which plays Usher's "DJ's Got Us Fallin in Love" and does a rather IMPRESSIVE scooting, sliding dance.

Very, very cute. And, a monkey, so you can't lose there. Big hit.
It is also very loud by the way. And really, realllllllllly easy to make go. More upsides, for the little one.

It did a lot of dancing throughout that week.

Since Bunny usually tries to get the girls similar-- but NOT the SAME-- things, and Big Sis' package looked similar in size and shape, we kind of figured she also got a dancing animal.

Even knowing that, we were ill prepared for the actual unveiling of the gift.

The words are starting to fail me because I am laughing too hard to type. Please bear with me...

So OK, the weekend rolls around and Big Sis is back in Doodle-land for the weekend. Behavior is slightly better so we move forward with opening her part of the Bunny and Papi Box.

Dear Lord, I wish we'd had the camera rolling.

We made her read the card first (before it got flung across the room-- she is only seven, after all), and then she tore open the tissue paper wrapping.

And unveiled:

A stuffed chimpanzee.

...Wearing I'm-too-sexy-for-your-party Kanye West sunglasses.

AND a pseudo-police looking outfit, complete with a patch that reads, "Love Patrol" on the sleeve.

Eyebrows raised, Monkey Doodle Daddy and I caught each other's eye, warily.

Then, Big Sis pressed play.





... the chimp began to STRIP.

I will let that sit for a minute. Re-read it.

Because, nothing says "I love you, granddaughter" to a seven year old, *quite* like a stripping chimp.

Who also plays the song: "I know you want me... You know I wantchaaa... I know you want meEEeee... You know I wantchaaa..."

...And opens up his Love Patrol jacket to show a flashing LED heart.

...Annnnnd swivels his low-slung-khaki-clad chimp hips.

Seriously. I could not have made this up if I tried.

It is so SPECTACULARLY inappopriate that I -- *I*!!-- was actually rendered speechless.

Annnnnnnd, then I started laughing. Not the quaint dainty laugh, either. This was like, snorting, foot-stomping, incredulous and horrified and yet also just maybe a teensy-bit manic and scary, laughing.

This touching family scene was capped off by the fact that Big Sis' mom (The Ex) showed up to pick her up roughly ten minutes after this... creation... was introduced to the room.

We had not sufficiently composed ourselves before she came in, and the oddness of the moment was palpable.

She warily asked what was going on. All I could muster was, "Uhh... my mom sent the girls some stuff for Valentine's Day..."

The Ex replied that was very nice of her.

MDD snort-laughed, and, I think, farted.

At which point I reverted to a 10-year old and started laughing, too.

The Ex was understandably confused by this reaction. Then, Big Sis came back downstairs shouting, "Mommy! Mommy! Look what Bunny sent me!" ... and pressed play.

Time stopped, briefly.

The only sound was the stripping chimp, strutting his inappropriate stuff through our living room.

Thankfully, she laughed. She knows Bunny, so she didn't even have to ask WHY this was deemed a good gift for her child... Some things you just take for the spectacular weirdness they are.

MDDaddy managed to weakly explain, "We'll be talking with Bunny about the uh..., the...uh..." Gesturing...

"The Stripping CHIMP?!" I volunteered.

"Yes. Uh. That," he answered.

So of course, the kids freaking ADORE this whacktastical toy. It has been playing non-stop.

We really weren't sure what to do about it. At one point, MDDaddy decided to hide it. We told the kids it was sleeping. Yes, we did.

But, he put it in OUR ROOM!! And I didn't realize that, and thus made rather unexpected eye contact with it, and COMPLETELY lost my marbles snort-laughing, so it had to get outta there.

Big Sis was really upset that it had been taken away, and really, it's not fair to not let her have it, when Monkey gets to have hers. Even though Monkey's dancing primate is PG-rated and does not make anyone uncomfortable.

So we conceded that we now share our home with The Stripping Chimp.

We just had to remind Big Sis that it is NOT OK to go singing that song. Especially not at church, please!

Also NOT OK: dancing naked along with him, because he seems to inspire such behavior in the girls.

Something tells me we have a new family heirloom.

There is a post script to this story. I finally had the chance to talk with my mother and ask her, basically, WTH????

My suspicion turned out to be right on target: she had picked out the one for Monkey, and wanted to get Big Sis something similar... so she just grabbed another dancing primate.

She thought it was cute that the heart lit up. She never played it all the way through his routine, and never heard the song or saw the swiveling hips.

She also didn't believe me initially, as to just how BAD this thing actually is... so I took a video of it and sent it to her.

Sorry it is sideways; it looked normal in my phone. But then, normal is a truly relative term, isn't it???

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